Simon Haley is a lineup player for the Charleston Shoe Thieves, and has been with the team since Season 8.

Official League Records

Haley entered the league on the Canada Moist Talkers as a replacement for Trevino Merritt after Merritt's incineration during Season 2.

On Day 8 of Season 3, Haley consumed a stray peanut and had an allergic reaction. Haley's hitting rank dropped from ★★½  to ★ 

On Day 44 of Season 8, Haley switched to the Shoe Thieves in a feedback event with Eugenia Garbage.

On Day 7 of Season 10, Haley hit the first recorded pentaslam (5-run home run) and found the 4-Blood Blagonball.

In the Season 10 elections, Haley received Noise-Cancelling Headphones, becoming Soundproof.

During the Coffee Cup, Haley played for Club de Calf as a lineup player.


The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.

Blaseball Career


Haley was voted ILB Rookie of the Year by fan vote at the end of Season 2. They are the first player to receive this award.

Personal Life

Simon Haley is rumored to be the lovechild of 18th Century English astronomer Edmond Halley and the short-period comet 1P/Halley, conceived sometime following Edmond Halley's death in 1742.

Haley came down to the Moist Talkers from on high after Trevino Merritt's incineration, and was chosen to take Merritt's place after they displayed much of the same batting and running prowess as their predecessor.

After his unfortunate peanut reaction in Season 3, Haley founded the Anti-Peanut Alliance and devoted himself to it. After the Season 9 playoffs, the Alliance began creating fliers proclaiming "Top 10 Anti-Peanut Tips For The Upcoming Battle Against God" and posting advice in a similar vein online. Following the fall of the Shelled One, Haley is quoted saying "I'm just proud I could do my part to help." When asked what the Alliance would do next, Haley responded that "we may branch out to herald the defeat of other corrupt gods, but as of now we're back to fighting against the evils of the common nut. Did you know over 60% of ILB players are allergic?"

On their swap to the Charleston Shoe Thieves, Haley told reporters that they quickly slotted into the team's dynamic, in part due to pamphlets printed up by former teammate Lachlan Shelton to help former Talkers adapt to their new environment. Teammate Howell Franklin commented that "When you first talk to Simon, she seems like such a shy little thing. But when she opens up? Absolute chaos. She just wants to yell. I respect that immensely." The two appear to be friends in some capacity as, after the season 10 game in which Haley hit the ILB's first ever recorded pentaslam, Franklin reportedly lifted her onto their shoulders and did a lap around the field while Haley emitted whoops of delight.


  • Haley's birthday is July 12, 1986
  • Haley is a Type 1 diabetic and has an insulin pump
  • Haley's favourite skittles are the green ones


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