Velasquez Alstott is a lineup player for the Charleston Shoe Thieves, and has been with the team since Season 1.

Official League Records

On Day 92 of Season 2, Alstott hit a game-winning double home run in the ninth inning against the Dallas Steaks, helping to keep the Shoe Thieves in the running for a contentious playoff race.

On Season 7, Day 29, Wyatt Pothos siphoned some of Alstott's pitching ability.

On Season 8, Day 98, Alstott gained a ½-star in batting and defense due to Enhanced Party Time.

During the Season 9 election, Alstott received the Fire Eater modification due to the passing of the Forecast: Eclipse decree.

In the Season 10 elections, Alstott received Noise-Cancelling Headphones, becoming Soundproof.

During the Coffee Cup, Alstott played for the Americano Water Works as a lineup player.


The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.

Blaseball Career

Following the Shoes vs Steaks game on Season 2, Day 92, Alstott gained the nickname "Twofer", referencing the double home run, her age (two years old), and her two-star player rating at the time. Since the beginning of Season 3, Alstott has consistently ranked among the top 10 doubles hitters in the league. As of the conclusion of Season 6, she currently ranks second in the league for all time doubles batted (184) behind Dickerson Morse of the Kansas City Breath Mints (190). She leads the league in percentage of hits as doubles (17%).

Following the Incineration of Shoe Thieves pitcher Matteo Prestige on Alstott's third birthday in Season 3, Alstott changed her walk-up music to the classic show tune "Empty Chairs At Empty Tables".

After a Hit-By-Pitch from Jaylen Hotdogfingers in the first postseason game of Season 7, Alstott's temporal non-linearity intensified considerably, often causing her to change ages during the middle of games or even within a single plate appearance. This effect persisted for longer than the standard nine days, with Alstott struggling with increased temporal instability for the majority of the following offseason, though she ultimately recovered in time for Season 8.

Alstott specializes in stealing glolf cleats, an impressive feat since most of them were destroyed as a result of the Blaseball-Glolf Clonflict.

Personal Life

Velasquez Alstott is the 12 year old daughter of former Canada Moist Talkers player Kennedy Alstott. She began playing Blaseball for the Charleston Shoe Thieves at the age of two and was considered a miraculous prodigy in toddler terms, but relative to adult professional athletes she was below average. During Season 3, Alstott's parent Kennedy Alstott of the Moist Talkers was incinerated, leaving Velasquez orphaned. Soon after, she was found staring into a broken mirror in a truck stop bathroom and carving a seven-armed figure out of soap. When asked about this incident by reporters, she declined to comment, stating it was "nappy time".

Alstott holds the current record for possessing the most non-artificial teeth among all Blaseball players, disputed by fellow Shoe Thieves player Blankenship Fischer until their incineration. During Fischer's incineration on day 75 of Season 3, one of Fischer's teeth became detached from their body and landed at Alstott's feet. She later had the tooth inscribed with various symbols of unknown origin and now wears it as a necklace.

Following Morrow Doyle's incineration in Season 4, Alstott began making regular visits to the Doyle's memorial in the Boston Flowers Memorial Bat Forest, often spending nights sleeping with Doyle's cats Thelma and Abernathy under the Trans-dimensional Violet Tree. Prolonged exposure to this zone of temporal instability has caused Alstott to begin aging discontinuously, although apparently only in precise intervals of ten years from her previous age of two.

During the Grand Siesta, Alstott announced via social media that she had adopted a bulldog puppy. Despite being affectionately dubbed "Beasley Gloom 2," it is not known at this time whether or not the dog possesses a similar pitching ability to his namesake. Regardless, Beasley 2 is currently in training to become a licensed service dog and assist Alstott with both her mental health and her wild leaps through time.


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